X’LORTAN PALISADES — Today, scientists at the Centauri Space Administration announced what they had long feared. Sentient lifeforms on the exoplanet, Terra 3, have indeed discovered our planet. Terra 3 orbits Proxima Helios, which is the closest star to our sun. Centauri scientists had discovered the exoplanet about 5 years ago and were initially excited about it. “The discovery of Terra 3 was one of the biggest breakthroughs in astrophysics. We identified a potentially habitable exoplanet that was only a little over 4 light-years away from our planet. It has water and everything!” said Dr. Tali’znha Glorex’ert.
While we didn’t have the ability to travel that distance at the time, scientists were able to discover and tap into Terra 3’s satellite-based communication and media system. “Yeah, we took a look, and… I mean, just wow. See Dr. Rez’noie over there in the corner? He hasn’t said a word since we picked up their transmission frequency called ‘Fox News.’ We couldn’t understand their languages, but we just started feeling angry, like all the time. They’re sentient alright. Sentiently fucked up,” Glorex’ert continued.
When asked how the discovery of Terra 3 had impacted the administration’s agenda, Glorex’ert said, “We’re actually working on a Global Lights Out Initiative (GLOI). Look, those clowns are going to find a way here eventually. GLOI is going to allow us to turn all the lights off across the planet and make it seem like no one is here. Hey, it’s not exactly high science, but you didn’t see the shit we saw.”